Your face is a jimmy john
we made out on top of his cat.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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