just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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