It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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