I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just high enough for therapy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
