for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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