I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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