I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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