A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize