Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
