fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
