$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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