i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
