I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Im part way to drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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