This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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