If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
