so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
