Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
