So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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