everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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