So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize