what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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