Too much gin, very little bucket
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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