Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
