This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I looked at my own cervix.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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