she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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