This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sober January is a disaster.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
