i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
