and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
