Your dad touched me again.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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