Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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