I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
