I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
