dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
