first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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