U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
