Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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