i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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