Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
