Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
