pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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