How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
