After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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