So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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