dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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