shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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