capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
