The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
