I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
