Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
nutella sex= disaster
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
