well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
