I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
