I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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