You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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