you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
