hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
