The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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