Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
