I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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