You just made me feel so damn special
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
