Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
