my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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