No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
