She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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