Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
