smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
