So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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