I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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