dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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