i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
