Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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