i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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