Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize